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I wish making the choice to not do this anymore was easier as time went on. Yet I feel like it gets harder and harder as the nights pass.



if you want to be in my life act like it. show me. words aren't enough anymore.

don't come over, drink my drinks and smoke my smoke, expect to have sex and leave. you'll go home quicker than you came here very disappointed. we aren't in a relationship anymore, sorry not sorry.



After making the conscious decision to no longer continue any further contact with Robin the days are dull...the ones where he crosses my mind. The nights are spent anxious that he will just show up at my house if I am home without any plans and waking up without him here is unbearable. However, part of me feels like the man I loved and knew and thought of as my other half is dead. The addict that is left where he use to stand is someone I don't know, who would hurt me to further himself and does not have my best interest on any part of his mind.

How was I so willingly blind to how bad he was getting for so long?



When you first start getting to know someone and learn that you've let yourself trust them. You don't think they're ever going to lie to you, not have your best interest at heart and usually put it before theirs because you love them and you believe that when you are in love it can change your whole life. Out of all my relationships since I've been an adult I never have been more hurt by anyone more than I have from Robin. I have lost trust in most people, myself probably the most. How could I have allowed myself to become and continue to be so selfless with someone who can't see anyone but themselves more often than anything in their life.

I do not know what I did to deserve the horrible things he has done to me over the last year and a half, plus....but I am tired of always forgiving him and hoping that better days will come or that he will love and care for me in all the ways he claims and tells himself that he does.

People do not change, they are who they are. The sooner I accept this, the happier I will be.

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Going out and pretending to be someone I am not does neither distract me or make me feel good. I've been making all these plans with people I use to be friends with and I'm probably going to cancel. The only person I really wish I could see is my brother; Sean just wouldn't try to tell me not to feel a certain way. Even Lenny, who use to be a good friend...I really feel uncomfortable with the way he talks to me sometimes, actually most of the time and it's why we stopped talking for months. Now, just because I'm not with Tyler...I still feel the same.

Truth: I honestly don't like many people. I've seen a handful of old friends in the past week and even still...I just don't feel like that's my life anymore. I appreciate them listening, trying to make me feel good. But I don't really smoke and it doesn't make me feel better, I try not to go out and get smashed when I'm really happy let alone when I feel unhappy with my life as a whole and not only about Tyler, I definitely do not want to be set up, and I guess a lot of the time our lives aren't the same. We don't fit anymore as friends who are involved daily with one another. Especially the being set up part...

In not so many words I tell people the feelings I have for Tyler. At most costs I try to avoid the use of that foul word. That word is really a game changer - it really does you in even if you don't realize it. So any way, if I just told you I am head over heals for someone who broke my heart a week ago and this is the most conflicting break up morally for me, what part of that screams to tell me about some dude? Let me guess...it was perhaps the part where I said I feel lost and now everything that made sense is upside down under water?

Don't get me wrong. Moving on is probably the best idea, well, getting over all these feelings. Honestly Tyler wasn't "the type of guy I want" - Tyler is the guy I want. I'm having a harder time processing my feelings and the situation than I did when things ended with Jaime. I really found something I never thought I would with Tyler and at one point he dud return those feelings, even after September when my mistake happened. It's hard for me not to analyze Tyler's decision with everything I know...but it's also hard for me not to focus on his words towards me. I guess I am trying to tell myself to go out out of town, go to the gym, tanning, school because they are distractions that do not involve much real effort and I don't have to put myself out there with people. But all of those things also allow me to still cling to any hope of holding on.

Can we be real? I would bet in less than a month Tyler already has another romantic interest. That's who Tyler is, I think he would convince himself to try to move on even if he still had feelings for me because it seems like the "best" thing to do. So in a month from now for me, I'm still going to be where I am now. It will probably be less painful, but I'm still going to be wanting that guy to show up on my door because he knows I'm the girl for him. Maybe I will have gone on a date, maybe they will have made me laugh or smile but they aren't Tyler.

I really had been trying to put most of me out there with Tyler. I put a lot of myself out there even if he did not recognize my efforts for what ever reason. I fell and I found in him something I never thought I would. Now I read too much into everything - I do not look at his accounts online because I don't know what they're going to say, I also would rather not know that he is happy without me by his side. I haven't deleted his pictures out of my phone but I can't look at them. I took all his pictures/papers/bracelets out of my purse, car, etc. I don't want the constant reminder of what I ruined in front of my face every day. He told me there was nothing I could do to change this. I have to think about it every single day, why do I need visual reminders too? I do not text or call, not even to say hi or to wish him well. I know he knows I think about him all the time, I don't have to reinforce that by contacting him. But I am not sure if he knows how crazy over it I get when he texts me. To say hi, for small talk, whatevs. Even if it holds no meaning, he thought about me enough to text me.

What am I doing? I know I should be forcing myself to get through this...in stead I am listening to Taylor Swift's new album thinking about how I can relate to all her songs. About how six months from now I am still going to be harboring all these feelings at bay for a man who could never let him self love me. Why is love always measured by loss?

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(no subject)

"She would never love me.
I had found her too late."

A lot lately have I been thinking about my future. Especially since I am starting school and starting to be serious in my ventures in life. However, as of late it has been brought to my attention that I should also have a plan b. I feel as the days pass and my time with Tyler grows I am falling for him; however, I often question if I am setting myself up. Am I going to end up loving a man who cannot love me back?

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.