Tags: money



I officially have my own phone away from my cousin, meaning all ties are completely severed which is perfect. Jaime added me to his family plan, he keeps making jokes about how if I'm bad he'll take my phone away from me.

In other news I am doing good today. Toast for breakfast and then I thought I might be feeling hungry but thinking it's too soon to have anything yet I optioned for a diet coke instead and I do feel much better about that choice. Tomorrow I get paid and then I get to give Sarah money for the fence, pay my credit card bill or car insurance which ever is due first and hopefully I'll have some extra cash so I can do something nice for jaime's birthday this weekend. I have never been as strapped for cash as I am these days. I need a job, I wish someone would call me back.


Officially - I have no more ties with my cousin Steph. She canceled the phone account today in a manner where I do not have to pay for it to get shut off and I'm just glad I have nothing to do with her anymore. It's strange, I thought me of all people would be more upset that I didn't have a phone, yet I find myself here not caring. Jaime wants to go today so we can add a line on his plan for me, but I don't care one way other the other when I get a new phone. I feel like I have everything I need - with exception to every place I've applied for a job has that cell number as a primary number for me to get a hold of.


Everything is frustrating right now with Jaime and I. We have managed to get out of the rut we were in where our stress would in turn lash out at one another, which is good, those fights over nothing become tiring. But neither of us are working right now, we both have bills and I am the only one collecting unemployment right now. I know being out of work is harder for Jaime than it is for me, because he's never been out of work for this long. I'm grateful for the time we have together right now though, I value it even if we're not ahem. I am just weary of the C&S job, I want him to take it because it's the most beneficial for the both of us I just hate not spending a lot of time with him. Even when we bicker I would rather be with him than be away from him.

I am still over flooded with my love for Jaime and it is beginning to boil. I need somewhere to put it and I'm not sure how much longer my patience will hold for me. I need an outlet. I have been devouring books with such a hunger lately. I haven't read this much in months.


i have paid all my bills with the check i received from my job when they laid me off and now i have $190.74 until some form of payment comes in. who knows what that will be, either unemployment or if i find a new job fast enough.

crap. i don't even drink anymore, i don't, but i decided to have some drinks with some friends last night and i finished one and a half drinks while everyone else was on four or five. drinking just isn't fun, not even when i am lonely and bummed out.

i talked to sean this morning. it is really unfortunate that he's going to iraq, one of the only people i know who is like family. i couldn't talk long because he was at the range but i gave him the update on my life. he thinks well of jaime which is a plus, i was glad sean got to meet him before he went away. i just wish i had someone i could talk to like him. someone who would come pick me up or someone i could go to their house and just sit and talk over a drink or over a late night whatever cooked on the grill. but i have nothing. jaime is gone, i don't have a job to keep me busy half the time and i have shanna who i talk to about everything. which is nice, but i know she would rather not have me a crying mess.


I should be getting my package in the mail from Jaime on Wednesday, which is coincidentally the last day we really get to talk to one another. He gets to make three phone calls during basic, so I'll probably get to talk to him three times in the 7-9 weeks during basic. From what I've gathered he's sending me a stuffed bear that smells like him so I wont feel as lonely when I have to sleep by myself for the next nine months.

Everything will be okay. I have started browsing Craigslist for jobs to fill up my free time so I can keep myself busy. I am spent for cash due to taking two weeks off from work, I have enough money for gas and that seems to be it and I do not get paid next until July 3rd where I have over half my paycheck due in bills, haha.

I am alone, I have spent my entire evening after getting out of work home, mostly in my room. This is so strange to me. I feel out of place, this doesn't even really feel like home anymore. All of my belongings are here and all that...but home is where the heart is. My heart is on the other side of the country currently.


things to bring to cali:
- couple days of clothes
- toothbrush, hairbrush, face wash, etc.
- phone charger
- camera & rechargeable batteries
- gum
- razors
- chapstix
- cosmetics
- books: the perks of being a wallflower, the catcher in the rye, the time travelers wife & the sound and the fury.

things to do before saturday 11am:
- clean out my car for corey
- pick up my band from new hampshire
- pack!!
- charge my ipod
- laundry

i leave in about 48 hours, subtract about 12 hours of work for each of those days which is about 36 hours raw, without factoring in the bbq tonight at papa's house for jaime or sleeping time. i have let's give it 14 hours to get all my stuff done. which is a fair amount of time, just i have time at random slots so it's hard to try and fit everything in all at once. not to mention i am short on cash flow.

i am happy to leave here...massachusetts. even being that it is only for two weeks. i can't stand it here anymore, it's weird because it's spring. things are usually easier for me now. i wake up every day and drag my feet across the floor knowing each minute that passes is a minute closer to me spending my 8-4 day sitting at mcgrath studios. i do not see people anymore, barely, because everyone seems to have their own opinion about something i've done. i stress them out, i got married when they did not approve, i talk too much, i don't talk enough about "problems" in my relationship so people feel left out, etc. there is always something that i do that will prevent these people from being happy with me, it seems. perhaps i am just being frustrated right now, but i do not feel as though i am being biased to myself. i do not care that people do not care that i am happy, in fact i can understand because i've been that miserable before. but it's the same thing, people are not happy so they don't want to hear about how i am, i don't really want to hear about how miserable someone is.

i am just frustrated with nearly everything. i'm trying to maintain my happiness, because that is a difficult enough task alone. i am surrounding myself with things that make me happy, which is what makes sense for me to do right now. which, ideally, is what everyone does in order to be happy. if i give in and let myself be what i was before then irregardless to anything positive in my life right now i will become grey, emotionless, an empty shell that only allows self destructive and self injuring thoughts and actions to pass through. i do not want to be that person anymore or again. it is hard to explain in ways where people can understand what i am intending to say. anything i am doing right now is not meant for anyone to take it personally because it has nothing to do with them, only me. sometimes people have to put themselves first. i think this is one of the only times in my life that i have actually done it.


Establishing credit is such a catch-22. I have not established any credit as I don't have a credit card or the need for a loan...however, to sign up for a credit card or a loan so that I could establish credit I need to have pre-existing credit.

My phone is dead, there is no bringing my little baby back to life. However, in order to get a cell phone with a plan and what-ever-have-you, because I have no credit I have to pay a $500 down payment. So either I can stay without a phone or I can pay about $600 in total to get a new phone. I am also in need of a car, which do not come cheap, which I probably need credit to get, and I just paid $350 dollars for car insurance so I can go back and forth to work. And Cassie still owes me money - yet without a phone I have no way of getting in touch with her to get my money back.

Fuck my life.

phone: denied - no credit.
credit card: denied - no credit.
loans: denied - no credit, no co-sign.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.


i am broke.
however, i spent about $60 dollars on new books today.
at least there was no tax, right?
i bought the rest of the private series by kate brian, tuesdays with maurie by mitch albom and the delivery man by joe mcginniss jr.

i turned alli on to zeitgeist tonight.
i'm jealous because i haven't seen it all the way through...still.
it was pleasantly refreshing to be able to have the conversation i had with her under the near full moon and shy full of stars.
we talked about drugs, depression, self injury, self destruction, abuse, the mayans, religion, ghosts...and big brother.
nearly a perfect evening, if only we had some coffee and i did not have work in the morning.



   my alarm is set for 6am because tomorrow is the first day back to work since the 30th. eh, after the time off, i do need to go back so i can attempt to pile the lost money up because who knows when cassie will get back to me. but i'm really not excited about walking into mcgrath studios tomorrow morning. can't my break from it all be a little longer? can't money grow on trees or become useless to the world? because i find it lame that most things are dependent or centered around money.
   speaking of money loss. because i had to lend cassie money it meant canceling my trip to the beach this coming weekend and canceling my trip to montreal for next month. i'm really disappointed with it all, i was really looking forward to both trips. montreal with joe would be a whole crazy experience and a weekend at the beach, love it. money, money, money, money. i need another job or two.

   yay phelps for 8 gold medals as of right now. yay america. we da' best. whooo? weeee nigga'! 
   now i need to try to sleep. or at least use this time to clean my room and watch big brother on demand because i found out tonight the entire season is very nicely placed there. yes! i am excited for that, now only if we could gets sho time so i could watch all of the weeds episodes that i've missed thus far.