I am updating a lot today. After texting Jaime this morning about how I felt about what's been going on lately he text me back and was sorry. But I was tired and didn't want him to be sorry just because I was upset and not because he actually was sorry so I fell back asleep. He called and woke me up and we talked while he was on his break and things seem better now. He told me there was nothing wrong with me and that he thought I was perfect for him and didn't want me to change anything. He then told me about planshe made for us this weekend. We will be going to the Olive Garden with Sam and Casey and some other people and then going to the Cumington Fair for the demolition. Which both are exciting, i've been craving good Italian food and I've never been to a demolition derby before.
All in all I just need us to find our happy place again.
Everything is frustrating right now with Jaime and I. We have managed to get out of the rut we were in where our stress would in turn lash out at one another, which is good, those fights over nothing become tiring. But neither of us are working right now, we both have bills and I am the only one collecting unemployment right now. I know being out of work is harder for Jaime than it is for me, because he's never been out of work for this long. I'm grateful for the time we have together right now though, I value it even if we're not ahem. I am just weary of the C&S job, I want him to take it because it's the most beneficial for the both of us I just hate not spending a lot of time with him. Even when we bicker I would rather be with him than be away from him.
I am still over flooded with my love for Jaime and it is beginning to boil. I need somewhere to put it and I'm not sure how much longer my patience will hold for me. I need an outlet. I have been devouring books with such a hunger lately. I haven't read this much in months.
Your Letter gave me more delight, than any thing in the world but yourself could do; indeed I am almost astonished that any absent one should have that luxurious power over my senses which I feel. Even when I am not thinking of you I receive your influence and a tenderer nature steeling upon me. All my thoughts, my unhappiest days and nights have I find not at all cured me of my love of Beauty, but made it so intense that I am miserable that you are not with me: or rather breathe in that dull sort of patience that cannot be called Life. I never knew before, what such a love as you have made me feel, was; I did not believe in it; my Fancy was affraid of it, lest it should burn me up.
i am a mess. i do not want this week to end because then i am away from the person who means the most to me for a very long time. i love jaime so much, the thought of boarding the air plane next saturday by myself makes me have to hold back from crying. how is it that i anticipate being away from him so much that i already miss him and he is right next to me?
vegas was...vegas? i think everyone over hypes the idea of vegas - bright, loud, smelly and full of attractive people who should be wearing more than they do. on the way there, however, there were ron paul revolution signs on the side of the freeway which was very pleasing to my eyes.
things to bring to cali:
- couple days of clothes
- toothbrush, hairbrush, face wash, etc.
- phone charger
- camera & rechargeable batteries
- books: the perks of being a wallflower, the catcher in the rye, the time travelers wife & the sound and the fury.
things to do before saturday 11am:
- clean out my car for corey
- pick up my band from new hampshire
- charge my ipod
i leave in about 48 hours, subtract about 12 hours of work for each of those days which is about 36 hours raw, without factoring in the bbq tonight at papa's house for jaime or sleeping time. i have let's give it 14 hours to get all my stuff done. which is a fair amount of time, just i have time at random slots so it's hard to try and fit everything in all at once. not to mention i am short on cash flow.
i am happy to leave here...massachusetts. even being that it is only for two weeks. i can't stand it here anymore, it's weird because it's spring. things are usually easier for me now. i wake up every day and drag my feet across the floor knowing each minute that passes is a minute closer to me spending my 8-4 day sitting at mcgrath studios. i do not see people anymore, barely, because everyone seems to have their own opinion about something i've done. i stress them out, i got married when they did not approve, i talk too much, i don't talk enough about "problems" in my relationship so people feel left out, etc. there is always something that i do that will prevent these people from being happy with me, it seems. perhaps i am just being frustrated right now, but i do not feel as though i am being biased to myself. i do not care that people do not care that i am happy, in fact i can understand because i've been that miserable before. but it's the same thing, people are not happy so they don't want to hear about how i am, i don't really want to hear about how miserable someone is.
i am just frustrated with nearly everything. i'm trying to maintain my happiness, because that is a difficult enough task alone. i am surrounding myself with things that make me happy, which is what makes sense for me to do right now. which, ideally, is what everyone does in order to be happy. if i give in and let myself be what i was before then irregardless to anything positive in my life right now i will become grey, emotionless, an empty shell that only allows self destructive and self injuring thoughts and actions to pass through. i do not want to be that person anymore or again. it is hard to explain in ways where people can understand what i am intending to say. anything i am doing right now is not meant for anyone to take it personally because it has nothing to do with them, only me. sometimes people have to put themselves first. i think this is one of the only times in my life that i have actually done it.
i guess it's like this. if you're my friend at all, you should be happy for me because i am happy. if you're not then you need to shut the fuck up if you still want to be friends. don't be be condescending or make snide remarks to me or to someone who will tell me because then we will have a problem and i will tell you where you can shove your opinions.
basically, i don't care if my decisions are the decisions you would make because i'm not living my life for you so when you say something to me don't tell me what you think. i never asked for your opinions because frankly i don't give two shits that you've taken your time to have a discussion group with the other "friends" who also do not approve of my decision about something that has nothing to do with you.
so be happy for me, support me because we are friends and that's what friends do and i'm sure i've done that for the choices you've made in your life. if you can't then fuck off and don't consider me a friend of yours.
i married jaime because i love him and i can't imagine wanting to be with anyone else. i married jaime because it was the best thing for us and it was what we wanted to do. i don't care about his past and any obstacle we will be able to work through. i do not care if you think we haven't waited the right amount of time, i do not care if you think i am making a huge mistake because i think you should stop being so critical of my life and start worrying about your own. your panties do not need to be in a bunch because you don't think i should be married.
"how's your day going so far darlin'?"
"wishing we played hooky again"
"me too, actually. i want to be sitting under that tree we passed yesterday. but just think tomorrow's the weekend already and i can come say hi when i get out of work to help you pass the time."
"i know :-) i'm real excited. i get butterflies in my stomach before i see you every day."
"<3 i love you so much. you just completely melted my heart."
so my grandparents know about us getting married now. we went and applied for the marriage license yesterday evening and derik and nicole went and applied for theirs today. we're having a double wedding may 17th, next sunday down in wales, massachusetts. now that everything is actually in the process of happening my anxieties have been set to ease and i am just focused on the future and being happy. derik and nicole having a joint ceremony is far too exciting for all of us, mostly nicole and i, being that we are much more open with our emotions. we will share the same last name as our men. i also become an aunt to little tyler and i get a new sister, as well as three brothers, casey, corey and derik.
my whole family knows, with exception to few aunts and uncles and my mother. i told jeffrey, kim and steph first and after my grand parents found out yesterday i didn't see why i shouldn't tell cassie and the rest of the family and friends and such. i now will have a place to be on holidays and parties and it just all seems to fit, even though i am young and our love is as well. we'll make it, we'll go far, and honestly i am not phased by my friends who do not seem to agree with my decisions. i'm really happy shank and i are still friends even though our lives have changed so much since high school. her having a baby and me finding a husband. we're just really happy for one another because we know our lives really make us happy and i guess that is what's really important.
It was raining last night/this morning and it was about 1:15am when Jaime got up to let Tom in because it was taking him forever to open the door and the dog was barking enough to wake everyone up inside...or maybe that was earlier and we just woke up because it was hot and we were parched. Either way we woke up just to hear my phone vibrating.
I reached for it because it was late and it's usually important when someone is trying to get a hold of me at such an hour on a Tuesday night. It was Chris, I didn't mind reading what he said to me to Jaime because it wasn't anything extremely personal and I knew Jaime would agree with my opinion on the matter. It said something like I have this great girlfriend except she smokes weed and I don't like being around people who are high and I don't know if I am out of line to say something to her about it.
I guess when I first thought about it I didn't even think about the situation that happened at the beginning of mine and Jaime's relationship, it was dealing with drinking/partying and not smoking/getting high but it was pretty much the same situation. Jaime, before we had started dating, told me if I drank and partied that he wouldn't date me. Not because it was a personal attack or because he was trying to be controlling over what I could choose or not choose to do and not even because he was saying I'm going to leave you if you drink. But because he knew what he was looking for in a girlfriend and it wasn't someone who drank or partied or did any of that stuff. He just doesn't like to be around drunk girls, so why would he date someone who drank if he doesn't like to be around that?
Honestly, I'm not sure why I took it so personally before. I felt threatened and I felt like he was trying to control me...however, it isn't as though I go to parties or drink...ever so I don't know why my panties were in such a bunch over it at the time. I made it seem like he was the bag guy when he wasn't. Now, I don't drink because it's a personal choice I made before I even met Jaime. Drinking and partying is something I use to do and a lot of it and it just isn't who I am anymore and to be honest I'm glad that Jaime wouldn't want to be with me if I did that because I know I probably wouldn't want to be with him if he did that either.
I gave Chris my honest opinion on the situation. I said he had the right to say something to her about it, to make her choose between dating him and getting high. If she respects him and cares about him enough then he should be more important to her than getting high and she should understand that it's nothing personal with her. I told him that he just knew the type of person he wanted to date and he in the right to hope that she would still turn out to be the type of girl he wanted to be with.
Honestly, I am really happy with him and this is good.
"If it's All One then it doesn't matter what direction you travel in.... - Buddha"
If there is no way out of the labyrinth then it shouldn't matter which course I take.
We are engaged.