I sit here listening to music, staring out the window at the grey sky and I don't know how I got here. Was it a gradual happening or sudden?
I can almost pin point the moment, down to a second...the lack of urgency, the slow and brief press against my lips. It seems hardly possible that such a small, short moment in my life would give me such distress. Cause the wanderlust to thrive and lead me away from the shallow connections I've been supplementing as real relationships. Does anyone really know me? Of course...someone must.
I keep asking myself what do I want? As much as I thought I wanted to be with Gatsby, his behavior really made me question myself. I try to go days without contacting him, because at this point it surely must have been in my head, and there he is.
On my toes.
On my toes.
I still can't figure it out, I do enjoy the mysteries of getting to know someone but this is not that anymore. And I need more, so that is that.
today i wasn't as lucky to hear from jaime - however, shanna and i took a nice two hour walk and it's been smooth sailing as far as the fast is concerned. today is day one of ten and probably the only day i'm going to allow myself to have coffee as my body reacts terribly to the caffeine when i have not had anything solid to eat in a while.
everything is looking good, going good and i'm pretty lovely as far as my moods have been in the last few days. :]
I finally went and picked Corey up around 5:30am, which means I ended up falling asleep for a little under two hours. The thing is, now that I'm awake the idea of climbing back into my bed snuggling in wearing Jaime's t-shirt and my underwear doesn't really curb my appetite. I will most likely go back to bed for a little while because there's not much else going on for me these days. I guess it's strange that my poor sleeping habits have taken over my mornings, which are when I usually find it easiest to fall back into a slumber after waking up; however, that was when I had a job and was obligated to wake and couldn't fall back asleep. Jaime and I always woke early on our weekends together, him beginning to cook breakfast for the three of us and me running to get coffees and muffins.
Living every day on the verge of tears is something you learn to control. However, nothing will quite top when Corey accidentally called Casey Jaime and my entire face lit up. I can't for the life of me recall what they were talking about prior but I became the most alert afterward. In fact, it was so apparent and sudden that I couldn't hide my mistaken delight in time for no one to notice. I want to talk about him all the time, because I miss him, because it helps. I long for the conversations when he is brought up by other people. I miss him ever so, my beloved. Nearly fifty days until I can see him again.
Last night Shanna and I made red white and blue drinks. I can't recall the last time I was as drunk as I was last night. Overall it was a good time, it was a really nice night weather wise - however, the sky was overcast so sitting on the pic nic table with Nick wasn't as enjoyable as it could have been.
I really miss Jaime, and though I had fun, when I get that drunk I can't have one thing remind me of something sad like someone asking me how I'm holding up because then I begin to think about it and how much I miss him. Distractions are good, I need to find more things to keep me active.
i have paid all my bills with the check i received from my job when they laid me off and now i have $190.74 until some form of payment comes in. who knows what that will be, either unemployment or if i find a new job fast enough.
crap. i don't even drink anymore, i don't, but i decided to have some drinks with some friends last night and i finished one and a half drinks while everyone else was on four or five. drinking just isn't fun, not even when i am lonely and bummed out.
i talked to sean this morning. it is really unfortunate that he's going to iraq, one of the only people i know who is like family. i couldn't talk long because he was at the range but i gave him the update on my life. he thinks well of jaime which is a plus, i was glad sean got to meet him before he went away. i just wish i had someone i could talk to like him. someone who would come pick me up or someone i could go to their house and just sit and talk over a drink or over a late night whatever cooked on the grill. but i have nothing. jaime is gone, i don't have a job to keep me busy half the time and i have shanna who i talk to about everything. which is nice, but i know she would rather not have me a crying mess.
I haven't even been home twenty four hours and I hate it here already. It is humid and everything feels weird knowing Jaime isn't here - everything feels just empty. Honestly I don't really have a lot here, my grand parents a few friends and now in addition Jaime's family...but really, a job that is going no where and paying me dirt, my husband isn't here and it's just stress and loneliness. I am not excited to be here, I only got three hours of sleep and it's not because I am still on West Coast time. I was disappointed that I lost three hours of my day and I had to sit in smelly airports away from Jaime.
Corey picked me up around 10:30pm last night and we drove with the windows down and just jammed out to whatever was on the radio. It was strange when we finally reached his house because for the first time in months I wasn't crawling up the stairs to snuggle on the couch next to Jaime or Austin. I called Shanna and after I came home and washed my face we went to the Whately diner for a few hours and saw some familiar faces, then going to Dunkin' Donuts until 5am I finally got home and had to try and settle in my own bed that no longer feels like the soft comfortable bed I once drifted off to sleep without any problem in.
Everything is different now and nothing is the same. I half think about actually packing everything and moving across the country with Corey when he jokes about it. What do I have holding me here for the next nine months....not much when you really think about it. Not much at all.
i simply don't care about drama anymore. it's not worth my time to acknowledge it nor can i imagine that it is worth someone elses time to create it, especially when we are at the ages we are at; however, i can't assume other people feel the same way.
i went to one of the giant barnes and noble stores yesterday with jaime because i had this overwhelming desire to pick up a copy of the great gatsby.
"'whenever you feel like criticizing anyone,' he told me, 'just remember that all people in this world haven't had the advantages that you've had.'"
it just helps me focus on the whole being a better version of myself. i will probably become a recluse when i return home to massachusetts - with the exception to the two or three people i plan on seeing. it's just that when i spend time with people, i don't want it to be focused on talking about someone else and their problems anymore. i want to spend time with people who i know also will not discuss my life with other people, as well. keeping to myself will be a good way to pass the time knowing that everything i am trying to do will be kept safe and not be in jeopardy.
California is beautiful, for the most part. I love being here and I love that Jaime and I are away from Massachusetts. I honestly wish I didn't have to go home...let alone home without Jaime. My whole life is going to change, it's like I finally found someone who wanted to spend time with me - not that a few people don't that are back home now - but it's different that someone wants to actually spend time with you because they would rather be with you than be alone. Now I get to go home, a few friends might spend one or two days with me a week but most of the time I'm going to be home alone by myself.
It's funny. I was talking to Shanna about it because my sister and I were slightly arguing about it. But I sat home for about four months alone when I didn't live with Jaime. Four months and most of my friends didn't call or want to spend time with me and that was fine because I was happy being home with time to myself. However, for the last two months or so when I moved in and spent my time with Jaime and Corey because they wanted me at their house and Jaime would have rather spent time with me than just sitting at his house alone everyone had a problem with it. That's when people got mad when I would rather spend my free time with Jaime than sitting home for someone to maybe want to hang out with me and it's stupid. Nevertheless, my life is going to change terribly when I go home. All this time to myself, I guess I can start to make some digs in my book collection when I get home and for the next nine months.
Blah. Jaime is my husband. He is not just some guy nor is he just some boyfriend. He is my husband and I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I don't understand why anyone would expect me not to put him first.
Anyways. California is lovely even though I have only been here a day and a half. I'm excited to see San Diego tomorrow and then LA sometime throughout the next two weeks and do whatever his Mom and Brian have planned for us. We're about to hit up a starbucks and just sit and enjoy one another's company away from Mass and away from all the drama.