Tags: death




I just finally brought myself to finish this book. I've been constantly pushing it to the side due to becoming bored with the first half, however, I am certainly glad I brought myself to finish it.

"More than anything, I felt the unfairness of it, the inarguable injustice of loving someone who might have loved you back but can't due to the deadness, and then I leaned my head forward, my forehead against the back of Takumi's headrest, and I cried, whimpering, and I didn't even feel sadness so much as pain. It hurt, and that is not a euphemism. It hurt like a beating."


I just want to note that I didn't talk about it once. But I had a really good weekend with the people I spent time with. They made me laugh and smile and be generally happy even though Saturday (01/10/09) was the two year anniversary of Nick's Death. It doesn't feel like it's been two years...and yet it almost does feel like it has been two years. Life doesn't stop moving forward even when you almost need it to.

I miss him. I love him. I wish he were here more than anyone can comprehend. His brother's girlfriend contacted me on Facebook. It makes me feel good to know that I can appreciate Nick's life with people who also knew and understood how much of a beautiful person he was. It makes me wish I could go sit with him and talk to him, though I would bet that it's not plowed where he is.


      So, to save your friends page from another long political rant about how I feel everyone should be voting tomorrow and now I am extremely annoyed and irritated with those who are not. Not to mention that I am equally annoyed and irritated with those who are voting but are uninformed...*cough-cough sheep cough-cough*
      I don't really want to know who you are voting for because I don't want to tell you who to vote for or why I think you're being an idiot. It's not because I don't care, it is merely because I care too much. Become informed, vote. Ask questions if you are confused or curious, demand the answers to your questions. Make a choice for yourself.
      Tomorrow I will be voting for Ron Paul. I will be voting not to abolish the state income tax, to decriminalize marijuana and to abolish dog racing. Before you assume, no, I do not smoke. 

      I have people to talk to, I have people to listen and who make me feel better. Mostly I am talking about Sampsa, because lately, he is one of the only people who I feel I can be completely honest with. He has become very important to me and I like that he doesn't judge me even when I tell him things that I fear most people would because they don't understand. He doesn't always understand but he respects me and accepts me.
      I bought ten white roses after work today. All the flowers I bring him will be white, regardless of the type of flowers I will try to bring him only white flowers unless there is no way I can. I drove up to Leverett and the ground was too cold or I would have sat with him. I cried and I spoke to myself though I imagined he could hear what I was saying. I told him about how I missed him and how I loved him and how he was my star, always and forever. I had a lot of questions, I asked them all I told him it still didn't make sense that he was gone. And I cried some more because there will never be answers for all the questions I asked him. Not answers that will satisfy me, anyways. I choked on my words and I left him my letter and my roses. Before I left I told him that bad things were happening with people that he loved, I told him I was scared and concerned for them and I said it didn't make sense. I said I needed him because he could help me, but he can't. I said I wished there was someone or something that could save me, that could save us all, each and every person who ever felt helpless. I told him that it would help a little if I had someone to hold my hand or hold me while I cried, but there isn't and I don't know if I would let anyone who wanted to do it.
     The ride home was dark and long and it made me feel more alone. I drove and listened to The Spill Canvas rare bootlegged album I just got. I was glad it was dark because all the trees were dead anyways and it would have reminded me how things are temporary. It would have made me more sad to see all the trees. And for once, I didn't drive to see him with the windows down. I didn't want to feel the cold air on my face, in my lungs. There will be enough of that when winter comes. Everything will have set in once the snow falls, but for now I didn't want to think about that coming.

      November is my month. I want to try to salvage it.


when faced with tragedy, we gather as many people around us as we possibly can. mere aquaintances become best friends. enemies become kindred spirits. we need people so later we can look back and say, "i went through that with them." people who can remind us that what we've experienced, what we felt, was real. that we were there.

i thought things were getting good and now i am having bad anxiety again.
after work on monday i'll bring nick flowers and tell him what's happening.
something like this wasn't supposed to happen.
my heart aches but i don't want to cry.
these are the people who i pulled close to me during this time.


i keep over analyzing what she last said to me. i carry her post card with me and i've read it so many times. each time i hope to notice something i've missed or i want to see the hidden truth she was really trying to say. each time i read it i step more towards the idea of this being her approach at saying goodbye and that she loved me and just because she is not physically here doesn't mean that she isn't still real and with me every day. but i just don't want to accept this yet, i want it to be simple and i want to be looking too much into it because i don't want her to be gone. not gone like that.

i feel completely selfish to sit here and feel all this need to have her by my side. it is just...surreal to think of her not here. death always leaves us in a state of shock and uncertainty. it leaves holes in our hearts that will ultimately be empty for ever. holes that, over time, become easier to live with and move from. but still, holes nonetheless. i always feel selfish when death sits on my door step and waits for me to not deny him anymore.

i guess i just always saw her by my side through this epic battle. my partner, my friend, my ever shining sun. i always saw us on a hill top in the warm sun glow and the green healthy grass all around us. enjoying one another's company. i always thought we would revel in this, i'm mistaken, i always felt we would revel in this someday. and i always thought she would come to me in a dream at the end, for some reason that would have felt right, but life is very unexpected sometimes. we have to take what we can get and we have to appreciate it for what it is and all that it has or had the ability to be.

"in the end, nothing is real save what we feel. nothing we remember, nothing we believe, are all just stories and echoes. the past is a shifting sea where nothing is certain, and where the things we seek cannot be found, a place where we seek lands that rise from the mist into the glare of the sun then vanish again, as quickly as they arrived. a shifting sea with nothing at its center, except illusions, and loss."
- james bradley
i am here, every step of the way. your heather xxx


Before I retire for the evening I've found what I believe is perfectly suiting to myself.

Now I have had opportunities of passing nights anxious and awake I have found other thoughts intrude upon me. "If I should die," said I to myself, "I have left no immortal work behind me - nothing to make my friends proud of my memory - but I have loved the principle of beauty in all things, and if I had had time I would have made myself remembered."


I've never wrote about this. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I'm glad it gets easier. I don't know how it gets easier, but I think it has to do with not being able to change it and having to live with it. A lot changes in two years, nearly three now. Regardless, this is for personal record, but I think I shouldn't make it private.

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Not that I know any of these people, but my heart goes out to everyone who did.

Rest in Peace
Angelica Cheverez, Brittney Bailey, Joey Songer and Fred Adams

it bothers me most because i think of nick. it bothers me most because it's the same story with new names attached every time. i wish we didn't all have to learn the hard way.