Tags: alaska

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20 things to be thankful for:

01. having nearly all my belongings packed & ready to move.
02. jaime is making his way across country to come home to me.
03. being able to help corey out as much as i can without expecting anything in return.
04. shanna for spending the last three weeks with me so i wasn't so alone.
05. finding someone that is greater than my search for alaska.
06. having bought a warranty on my camera because i'm having lens issues.
07. not being pregnant right now.
08. removing negative people from my life.
09. someone who loves me even though i can't stand the way i look.
10. snapple facts and delicious iced teas.
11. jaime having a job somewhere other than tire warehouse.
12. trying to be more of an optimist.
13. jaime forcing me to go back to sleep this morning after another night with only 4 hours of sleep.
14. summer garden fresh vegetables.
15. someone to sit on the roof of my car and star gaze with this summer.
16. iced coffee from d&d with xcream & xsugar.
17. finding more boxes than i needed to move all my stuff.
18. my cell phone bill dropping from over $90 to $60.69.
19. the time traveler's wife coming out soon & jaime taking me to see harry potter.
20. being more active.
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In my previous post I jumped the gun and wrote about finishing Looking For Alaska by John Green before I actually had. I had about fifteen pages, give or take, left. As I finished the book I was struck and I had to sit there in silence for a while before I turned the book over and saw that it was published in 2005. If anyone is interested in reading the book so I wont spoil it I'm going to finish my post under a cut.

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"Awful things are survivable, because we are as indestructible as we believe ourselves to be. When adults say, 'Teenagers think they are invincible' with that sly, stupid smile on their faces, they don't know how right they are. We need to be hopeless, because we can never be irreparably broken. We think that we are invincible because we are. We cannot be born, and we cannot die. Like all energy, we can only change shapes and sizes and manifestations. They forget that when they get old. They get scared of losing and failing. But that part of us greater than the sum of our parts cannot begin and cannot end, and so it cannot fail."
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I just finally brought myself to finish this book. I've been constantly pushing it to the side due to becoming bored with the first half, however, I am certainly glad I brought myself to finish it.

"More than anything, I felt the unfairness of it, the inarguable injustice of loving someone who might have loved you back but can't due to the deadness, and then I leaned my head forward, my forehead against the back of Takumi's headrest, and I cried, whimpering, and I didn't even feel sadness so much as pain. It hurt, and that is not a euphemism. It hurt like a beating."
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i wish i had the preparation and funding together for alaska right now. right this very moment only because it makes me feel safe.

but, it's walk on water or drown, right?
i love anyone who understands that reference.
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I want to write about this before I forget how upset I actually am. I don't want to make it a bigger deal than it is, but I feel really betrayed. I spent my night with Steph for the first time in a long time. Everything was normal and then she told me that Sarah made this mock-youtube video of me. I was curious, not being easily offended, especially by what other people think of me, I wanted to see the videos.

They made five of them. It was Sarah on the video talking about me, patronizing every thing I have ever spoke passionately about. It was funny at first until I realized they weren't being trying to be funny they were being serious. When Steph left the room after blaming Sarah for most of it Sarah told me that Steph made a list of things for Sarah to talk about. Ultimately making it Sarah her scapegoat.

It bothers me that she would choose to be my friend if she felt the way she did. The things she had her saying are not the things you think about saying about a close friend. If I, and everything I stand for, are just jokes why are you calling me all the time? Why wouldn't you ever say these things to my face. Especially if you're going to make a video about it.

Today was not my day, clearly.