hello new diet.
you are needed extremely. by the end of the month i don't want the pants you're wearing right now to fit you. it needs to happen, it should have happened a month ago. months ago. look, katey, you are fat, everyone can see how large you are so there shouldn't be any shame in saying out loud that you need to go on a diet. perhaps then you would actually get off your ass and do something about it. ugh.
august has a goal weight.
I finally went and picked Corey up around 5:30am, which means I ended up falling asleep for a little under two hours. The thing is, now that I'm awake the idea of climbing back into my bed snuggling in wearing Jaime's t-shirt and my underwear doesn't really curb my appetite. I will most likely go back to bed for a little while because there's not much else going on for me these days. I guess it's strange that my poor sleeping habits have taken over my mornings, which are when I usually find it easiest to fall back into a slumber after waking up; however, that was when I had a job and was obligated to wake and couldn't fall back asleep. Jaime and I always woke early on our weekends together, him beginning to cook breakfast for the three of us and me running to get coffees and muffins.
Living every day on the verge of tears is something you learn to control. However, nothing will quite top when Corey accidentally called Casey Jaime and my entire face lit up. I can't for the life of me recall what they were talking about prior but I became the most alert afterward. In fact, it was so apparent and sudden that I couldn't hide my mistaken delight in time for no one to notice. I want to talk about him all the time, because I miss him, because it helps. I long for the conversations when he is brought up by other people. I miss him ever so, my beloved. Nearly fifty days until I can see him again.
i simply don't care about drama anymore. it's not worth my time to acknowledge it nor can i imagine that it is worth someone elses time to create it, especially when we are at the ages we are at; however, i can't assume other people feel the same way.
i went to one of the giant barnes and noble stores yesterday with jaime because i had this overwhelming desire to pick up a copy of the great gatsby.
"'whenever you feel like criticizing anyone,' he told me, 'just remember that all people in this world haven't had the advantages that you've had.'"
it just helps me focus on the whole being a better version of myself. i will probably become a recluse when i return home to massachusetts - with the exception to the two or three people i plan on seeing. it's just that when i spend time with people, i don't want it to be focused on talking about someone else and their problems anymore. i want to spend time with people who i know also will not discuss my life with other people, as well. keeping to myself will be a good way to pass the time knowing that everything i am trying to do will be kept safe and not be in jeopardy.
California is beautiful, for the most part. I love being here and I love that Jaime and I are away from Massachusetts. I honestly wish I didn't have to go home...let alone home without Jaime. My whole life is going to change, it's like I finally found someone who wanted to spend time with me - not that a few people don't that are back home now - but it's different that someone wants to actually spend time with you because they would rather be with you than be alone. Now I get to go home, a few friends might spend one or two days with me a week but most of the time I'm going to be home alone by myself.
It's funny. I was talking to Shanna about it because my sister and I were slightly arguing about it. But I sat home for about four months alone when I didn't live with Jaime. Four months and most of my friends didn't call or want to spend time with me and that was fine because I was happy being home with time to myself. However, for the last two months or so when I moved in and spent my time with Jaime and Corey because they wanted me at their house and Jaime would have rather spent time with me than just sitting at his house alone everyone had a problem with it. That's when people got mad when I would rather spend my free time with Jaime than sitting home for someone to maybe want to hang out with me and it's stupid. Nevertheless, my life is going to change terribly when I go home. All this time to myself, I guess I can start to make some digs in my book collection when I get home and for the next nine months.
Blah. Jaime is my husband. He is not just some guy nor is he just some boyfriend. He is my husband and I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I don't understand why anyone would expect me not to put him first.
Anyways. California is lovely even though I have only been here a day and a half. I'm excited to see San Diego tomorrow and then LA sometime throughout the next two weeks and do whatever his Mom and Brian have planned for us. We're about to hit up a starbucks and just sit and enjoy one another's company away from Mass and away from all the drama.
things to bring to cali:
- couple days of clothes
- toothbrush, hairbrush, face wash, etc.
- phone charger
- camera & rechargeable batteries
- books: the perks of being a wallflower, the catcher in the rye, the time travelers wife & the sound and the fury.
things to do before saturday 11am:
- clean out my car for corey
- pick up my band from new hampshire
- charge my ipod
i leave in about 48 hours, subtract about 12 hours of work for each of those days which is about 36 hours raw, without factoring in the bbq tonight at papa's house for jaime or sleeping time. i have let's give it 14 hours to get all my stuff done. which is a fair amount of time, just i have time at random slots so it's hard to try and fit everything in all at once. not to mention i am short on cash flow.
i am happy to leave here...massachusetts. even being that it is only for two weeks. i can't stand it here anymore, it's weird because it's spring. things are usually easier for me now. i wake up every day and drag my feet across the floor knowing each minute that passes is a minute closer to me spending my 8-4 day sitting at mcgrath studios. i do not see people anymore, barely, because everyone seems to have their own opinion about something i've done. i stress them out, i got married when they did not approve, i talk too much, i don't talk enough about "problems" in my relationship so people feel left out, etc. there is always something that i do that will prevent these people from being happy with me, it seems. perhaps i am just being frustrated right now, but i do not feel as though i am being biased to myself. i do not care that people do not care that i am happy, in fact i can understand because i've been that miserable before. but it's the same thing, people are not happy so they don't want to hear about how i am, i don't really want to hear about how miserable someone is.
i am just frustrated with nearly everything. i'm trying to maintain my happiness, because that is a difficult enough task alone. i am surrounding myself with things that make me happy, which is what makes sense for me to do right now. which, ideally, is what everyone does in order to be happy. if i give in and let myself be what i was before then irregardless to anything positive in my life right now i will become grey, emotionless, an empty shell that only allows self destructive and self injuring thoughts and actions to pass through. i do not want to be that person anymore or again. it is hard to explain in ways where people can understand what i am intending to say. anything i am doing right now is not meant for anyone to take it personally because it has nothing to do with them, only me. sometimes people have to put themselves first. i think this is one of the only times in my life that i have actually done it.
i guess it's like this. if you're my friend at all, you should be happy for me because i am happy. if you're not then you need to shut the fuck up if you still want to be friends. don't be be condescending or make snide remarks to me or to someone who will tell me because then we will have a problem and i will tell you where you can shove your opinions.
basically, i don't care if my decisions are the decisions you would make because i'm not living my life for you so when you say something to me don't tell me what you think. i never asked for your opinions because frankly i don't give two shits that you've taken your time to have a discussion group with the other "friends" who also do not approve of my decision about something that has nothing to do with you.
so be happy for me, support me because we are friends and that's what friends do and i'm sure i've done that for the choices you've made in your life. if you can't then fuck off and don't consider me a friend of yours.
i married jaime because i love him and i can't imagine wanting to be with anyone else. i married jaime because it was the best thing for us and it was what we wanted to do. i don't care about his past and any obstacle we will be able to work through. i do not care if you think we haven't waited the right amount of time, i do not care if you think i am making a huge mistake because i think you should stop being so critical of my life and start worrying about your own. your panties do not need to be in a bunch because you don't think i should be married.
well great news is the yankees won yesterday and the red sox lost, it did not rain, i am officially married and my old camera was found as well as nicholle crashing my ceremony. as well, jaime's mom knows we got married and we spent a while on the phone talking last night and sending her pictures of me and making plans for me to fly out to california to officially meet her. i am a dyer?!? i have three brothers and a nephew and i'm an aunt and i'm a wife. :]
shanna and i have been hanging out and talking more which is quite wonderful because i feel like she's the only one who really gets just how ironic it is that i married jaime after the last two years...and how ironic it is that she is now friends with corey. i think she's one of the only people i have never had any problems with our entire friendship from seventh grade until now, two years after high school has ended.
only sort of bummy thing is that none of them said anything to me yesterday. i was talking to jaime and corey about it after wards and it seemed as though they knew that's how things went when you grew up. people who are best friends sometimes just fall out of place in one another's lives and it's the important times when people should be there that they're not that make you really realize where you stand with people.
i have this thursday off to go around and finish changing my name everywhere like the bank, rmv, social security office and stuff like that and then next friday my sister is graduating from high school which is sort of weird but jaime and i will be attending the graduation. and sometime later this week i have to go pick up our bands because like nicole and derik we did procrastinate getting them.
i am insane amounts of happy/nervous/excited.
oh mead, mead, mead.
please know, i keep opening blank email slates. each time just entering your email address and then staring at all the space i could be filling up with gracious words. but where do i begin? just bear with my silence for a little longer, please? you are still so dear to me.
now, i will note that i am giddy like a school girl. now that we have a date and that we actually went and applied for our license things make sense. perhaps the hesitation i swore lingered with him was only an illusion i let myself see? i think a lot of people are right, it is just much easier for me to be negative about my own life. i give out so much hope for other people because i can feel it and see it inside them and their words even if they can't themselves, yet i find it so difficult to see things for the better with my own life. happiness has always been a double sided knife for me, though.
it was nice to drop off the money for my sister's prom ticket this morning at the high school. only because i almost go out of my way to talk to people who haven't seen me in ages so i can share with them my news. the office secretary, a girl who graduated the same year i did's mother, sandy bailey was there this morning and first she told me how great i looked, which was odd, because i still think i looked better two years ago when i was in school (based on weight alone...now that i think about it, allow me to digress for a moment, i was terribly depressed the when i left turners falls high school because every where i went i either relived memories of the encounters nick and i had or i saw people look at me with those deep sorrow filled eyes because of nick's death and my deep depression, so maybe happiness makes a person glow? maybe people are right?) and she said i looked like money status, whatever that means. she then asked what i had been up to and then i told her i was to be married and i gave some details on my life and she was genuinely happy for me.
nostalgic. now that i remember school, thinking back in a sense, i was surrounded by people who generally cared because i was one of those talkative social friendly people who people took to. when people, not my peers so much but the adults, when they asked how i was or if i was okay it was because they actually cared about what i had to say and not because it was one of the standard lines to say when they saw me. i miss having such genuine connections with people even if they weren't incredibly personal if that makes sense.
time for a little more of an honest entry, as i am sure that i may have been confusing people. first i want to say how much i love jaime, it's a lot. he means the world to me and i couldn't be happier with him, i can't imagine being with out him he is my other half in every way. we compliment one another, we just fit. and i want to be with him, i want to be with him now, when he leaves in june and while he's gone, i want to be with him when i go to visit him in illinois, i want to be with him when he's done with that and i want to move with him when he's done with everything. there is nothing else i want more. now, about the marriage. getting married is the smartest thing and the best thing financially for the both of us, he'll be making more because he's married and when he is done with his training we wont have to worry about me finding a place where he is stationed alone, worrying about finding a job and paying my bills myself, everything will be taken care of which is what we both want.
as for my slight laps of the great depression, yeah, i was incredibly depressed for a while and it was because there was some pretty heavy stuff going on between our relationship. but that is done, we are happy, we are moving from it and everything is okay. the amount of happiness that we share with one another is monumental...honestly. i can't think about him without smiling or causing a tingle up and down my spine causing me to shiver. we are moving from the past, moving forward, we are better.
this is all.
skeeter barnes: "I hear ya. it sucks. You really engaged? because it says im a muslam and im not."
me: "I actually am getting married, yeah. It's time to grow up for me, I'm taking my life much more seriously than I use to."
skeeter barnes: "Thats awsome. Congrats! Whos the lucky man?"
me: "Last person you would expect, lol. Jaime."
skeeter barnes: "Really? doesnt matter what people think or say. Whatever makes u happy. Your strong you know your strong. You gotta do what makes you Truely Happy. Right?"
As Amanda said, forgive and forget, right? I was overwhelmed with just comfort, I guess? We use to be such good friends to have such a sour falling out the way we did, we were both incredibly immature about it, and here we are.