I guess I feel as I always have when I am feeling as pensive as I have been these last few weeks. With how crazy everything was on the 4th and then days later having Nate pass from complications, how could I not? I felt this way in February around my birthday and decided to let the sails change my direction. I find that though I am in a different place I am feeling the same way which leads me to believe that I am still needing a larger change. Am I putting myself out there enough? It feels that way, I think anyone would say I am. Maybe I am putting myself out there to the wrong people as I feel little returned in these relationships.
I thought to myself as I drove home today, is there an old friend I feel I should catch up with? Someone who can direct me towards my inner true self more? And here I am, scouring through my old journal looking for shards of myself. Seems as though all my dead friends have taken pieces of my soul with them to the grave, and perhaps that is what I am feeling like I am missing. Now that Nate is no longer here, did I share myself with him enough to still feel the loss of what we could have been in addition to the overwhelming memories this situation has opened to me. Nate shared the same birthday as Nick.
Perhaps it is as simple as not being able to repair what happened to me when Nick was taken from me. Exactly how should I recover from that? It's been ten years and sometimes it feels like I lost him a week ago.
I sit here listening to music, staring out the window at the grey sky and I don't know how I got here. Was it a gradual happening or sudden?
I can almost pin point the moment, down to a second...the lack of urgency, the slow and brief press against my lips. It seems hardly possible that such a small, short moment in my life would give me such distress. Cause the wanderlust to thrive and lead me away from the shallow connections I've been supplementing as real relationships. Does anyone really know me? Of course...someone must.
I keep asking myself what do I want? As much as I thought I wanted to be with Gatsby, his behavior really made me question myself. I try to go days without contacting him, because at this point it surely must have been in my head, and there he is.
On my toes.
On my toes.
I still can't figure it out, I do enjoy the mysteries of getting to know someone but this is not that anymore. And I need more, so that is that.
after reading through posts from the last three years i am sick. ill. my stomach has turned.
It's been a long time since I've posted. Lately I feel like I am losing control over my life even though so much of it has been going in the right direction forward. The problem is my weight and my eating as its been out of control, I want to be healthy and I want to be confident and I want to look good and feel good and I don't know how to get there.
Last night my "boyfriend" as in the man who claims to love me, we had a huge fight. He said awful directly dirty things about me physically, not just my weight but Things I have no control over. He said I was less than a person than he was and being with me was him constantly settling for less than he deserves. Honestly, I can't decide if he feels that way in his soul or if he is projecting his insecurity. But I felt like I lost control and I self-harmed for the first time in almost 8 years. Light superficial cuts. But I don't know how to really keep myself from having these deep urges to cut myself. I've been thinking about them for months and months.
Is my relationship really as unhealthy as I feel like it is.