mountains

(no subject)

I guess I feel as I always have when I am feeling as pensive as I have been these last few weeks. With how crazy everything was on the 4th and then days later having Nate pass from complications, how could I not? I felt this way in February around my birthday and decided to let the sails change my direction. I find that though I am in a different place I am feeling the same way which leads me to believe that I am still needing a larger change. Am I putting myself out there enough? It feels that way, I think anyone would say I am. Maybe I am putting myself out there to the wrong people as I feel little returned in these relationships.

I thought to myself as I drove home today, is there an old friend I feel I should catch up with? Someone who can direct me towards my inner true self more? And here I am, scouring through my old journal looking for shards of myself. Seems as though all my dead friends have taken pieces of my soul with them to the grave, and perhaps that is what I am feeling like I am missing. Now that Nate is no longer here, did I share myself with him enough to still feel the loss of what we could have been in addition to the overwhelming memories this situation has opened to me. Nate shared the same birthday as Nick.

Perhaps it is as simple as not being able to repair what happened to me when Nick was taken from me. Exactly how should I recover from that? It's been ten years and sometimes it feels like I lost him a week ago.
mountains

(no subject)

I sit here listening to music, staring out the window at the grey sky and I don't know how I got here. Was it a gradual happening or sudden?

I can almost pin point the moment, down to a second...the lack of urgency, the slow and brief press against my lips. It seems hardly possible that such a small, short moment in my life would give me such distress. Cause the wanderlust to thrive and lead me away from the shallow connections I've been supplementing as real relationships. Does anyone really know me? Of course...someone must.

I keep asking myself what do I want? As much as I thought I wanted to be with Gatsby, his behavior really made me question myself. I try to go days without contacting him, because at this point it surely must have been in my head, and there he is.
On my toes.
On my toes.
I still can't figure it out, I do enjoy the mysteries of getting to know someone but this is not that anymore. And I need more, so that is that.
mountains

(no subject)

It's been a long time since I've posted. Lately I feel like I am losing control over my life even though so much of it has been going in the right direction forward. The problem is my weight and my eating as its been out of control, I want to be healthy and I want to be confident and I want to look good and feel good and I don't know how to get there.

Last night my "boyfriend" as in the man who claims to love me, we had a huge fight. He said awful directly dirty things about me physically, not just my weight but Things I have no control over. He said I was less than a person than he was and being with me was him constantly settling for less than he deserves. Honestly, I can't decide if he feels that way in his soul or if he is projecting his insecurity. But I felt like I lost control and I self-harmed for the first time in almost 8 years. Light superficial cuts. But I don't know how to really keep myself from having these deep urges to cut myself. I've been thinking about them for months and months.

Is my relationship really as unhealthy as I feel like it is.
mountains

802

I wish making the choice to not do this anymore was easier as time went on. Yet I feel like it gets harder and harder as the nights pass.

mountains

800

if you want to be in my life act like it. show me. words aren't enough anymore.

don't come over, drink my drinks and smoke my smoke, expect to have sex and leave. you'll go home quicker than you came here very disappointed. we aren't in a relationship anymore, sorry not sorry.

mountains

799

After making the conscious decision to no longer continue any further contact with Robin the days are dull...the ones where he crosses my mind. The nights are spent anxious that he will just show up at my house if I am home without any plans and waking up without him here is unbearable. However, part of me feels like the man I loved and knew and thought of as my other half is dead. The addict that is left where he use to stand is someone I don't know, who would hurt me to further himself and does not have my best interest on any part of his mind.

How was I so willingly blind to how bad he was getting for so long?

mountains

798

When you first start getting to know someone and learn that you've let yourself trust them. You don't think they're ever going to lie to you, not have your best interest at heart and usually put it before theirs because you love them and you believe that when you are in love it can change your whole life. Out of all my relationships since I've been an adult I never have been more hurt by anyone more than I have from Robin. I have lost trust in most people, myself probably the most. How could I have allowed myself to become and continue to be so selfless with someone who can't see anyone but themselves more often than anything in their life.

I do not know what I did to deserve the horrible things he has done to me over the last year and a half, plus....but I am tired of always forgiving him and hoping that better days will come or that he will love and care for me in all the ways he claims and tells himself that he does.

People do not change, they are who they are. The sooner I accept this, the happier I will be.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

mountains

797

The thought of him leaving and not being in my life is...it suffocates me. I feel alone, not in the sense like I am lonely. But that I am actually alone. Robin is my other half and since becoming involved with him he has become the only thing I have in my life. Without him I am truly alone.

But I am sitting in suffering with him here. I feel as though I will never be enough. I will never be the only girl in his life and if I somehow get to a point where we can actually be together...he will feel trapped and suffocated.

I do not know what to do.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.