| 581 |
[Nov. 17th, 2009|08:22 pm] |
i really dislike bills and balances due right before christmas. i won't be shopping on black friday and i am bummed. but sacrifice is important and i will do whatever i can for the people i love. sigh sigh sigh josh being at mcgraths was weird today. it made me wish things hadn't changed with that job or that i had more friends that were as cynical as him who were hilarious. my goodness. all i want for christmas is to lose 10lbs.
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| 580 |
[Nov. 16th, 2009|10:29 pm] |
I'm writing this from my iPhone app so I'm not really sure how this will turn out I haven't really played around with it enough to get a good feel. Every time I come to lj to write an entry I end up reading about everyone elses life and then I forget what I had initially meant to update about. *le sigh* I wish I had more money to spend on Christmas for Jaime but the little I make combined with the bills that have been coming in and the unemployment that is creeping up I really don't have money for anything but the essentials. I'm a roller coaster lately. But the social interaction with Leanne as of late is most definitely better than being home alone always. Although the new Assassin's Creed comes out tomorrowww. Also tomorrow I have been MARRIED FOR SIX MONTHS. It's still mind blowing to me that I'm married. I have maintained a relationship for such a long time and I get to see forever with this man. Be jealous. |
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| 579 |
[Nov. 5th, 2009|07:45 pm] |
hm.
where do we go from here? where do i go?
i need to change physically. and seriously. it will make everything better.
that is all. |
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| 578 |
[Nov. 2nd, 2009|08:27 pm] |
I guess it's hard to explain.. how I am feeling lately that is. Things are indeed getting very much better - yet, winter still starts to seep in little by little as the days fade. Now when I get out of work it's pitch dark out and I have to use my head lights to navigate myself to the safe place I call home. Safe home. Things are very much safe here in the sense that I am very well taken care of.. however, the monster that is lives inside of me. I, and probably everyone else, knows I cannot save me from myself.
I always pictured this all being different in the sense that I always imagined a certain feeling with this all. I always thought this would come with a feeling that was not always fleeting...a feeling that would be more than what I had imagined my green light to be after all those years.
The choices we make change the outcomes of our lives. I think back, what if I had not gone on the computer that Thanksgiving morning when Sarah showered. I wouldn't be married right now, not to Jaime anyways...I would more than likely be married right now either way, but I would probably be married to Sean and living a completely different life. I would be in a very different type of marriage, a not real one, because Sean and I wouldn't ever be in a real relationship. I don't think I've ever had or will ever have a best friend who understands me so much. I don't think I will ever have such a deep philosophical connection with anyone I come across in this life as I do with Sean. It's ironic that we are so close in ways and yet we could never be physically attracted to one another, we just aren't.
I miss him ever so, especially because of the things happening in my life. I need him. I need to drive around in his daddy's jeep and just talk until we aren't talking about anything anymore. I just need my best friend because no one else will really grasp what I am feeling with everything lately.
I am terribly afraid of the winter that is ahead of me. |
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| 577 |
[Nov. 2nd, 2009|08:13 pm] |
The moon got lost again last night
But now the sun has finally had its say
I guess I feel alright
But it hurts when I think
When I let it sink in
It's all over me |
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| 576 |
[Oct. 29th, 2009|10:35 am] |
The craziest thing happened today. I don't know how many of you guys are familiar with Massachusetts news but we've had a lot of shootings and gun violence in the Springfield area. Last week or the week before an 18 year old girl was shot, she was an innocent person not even involved with the fight that was going on over a television and she was killed. I had heard about this and of course felt bad but I didn't know her name or anything. I looked at the paper today and I swore the girl named, Brittany Perez, looked familiar like I knew her or something. Turns out I went to high school with her.
That's crazy, for me, that was probably the craziest thing to happen in a while. |
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| 575 |
[Oct. 28th, 2009|08:30 pm] |
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All that is dead shall be regrown. |
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| 574 |
[Oct. 27th, 2009|04:24 pm] |
It's hard to talk to people about my relationship, with exception to Nicholle and Shanna, because of the things they feel like they are in the right to say to me - or even worse, the way they react to what I tell them and not say anything at all. I am not sure when everything changed, but I remember when I had more than two friends who didn't judge me based on my choices or the situations I am in - I don't know, maybe it's part of growing up and becoming who we are supposed to become.
It's funny, I bet when I read this later or reflect upon what I have wrote I am going to say that I had my winter mask on. I'm calling it that my "winter self" because I don't feel grey.. not yet anyways. I just feel more negative about the situations I get myself in.
I am really hoping that Shanna is around tonight to do something - anything at this point. Jaime is going to be working at Lenny's tonight leaving me home without anything to do and I don't feel like sitting at home but I don't really have any money to go out and so anything. Being without a paycheck for over a month really set me back as far as my spending allowances go and stuff like that. I want to start my Christmas shopping but I need to pay off the bank before I buy anything that could really put a dent in the money I have.
I want to touch on something briefly. Chris asked me on Saturday night who is the better person, or who did I love more or something. And I was taken by the question because no one had ever asked me it before. Thinking back, there have been three really real loves in my life. Nick, Josh and Jaime. I think that it's not fair to compare any of them. I loved them all in very different ways - very different versions of myself loved each of them. Josh, in the Gatsby/Alaska way and Jaime made me feel alive without either of them and that was huge for me. It was a pivotal break in everything I had ever believed to be true. And that is why Jaime is the guy for me, regardless of what rough times we go through or obstacles that come our way, we're going to get through them together and it's going to build our bond with one another. This is why I am not willing to give up or walk away from him. He is going to be my light this winter, regardless of how dim it will seem at times, he's going to light the way for me. |
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| 573 |
[Oct. 25th, 2009|10:01 pm] |
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Winter me is making everything really hard to deal with when things are really getting better. I am going to have an every day battle with my depression soon. |
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| 571 |
[Oct. 20th, 2009|09:00 pm] |
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If you really love something then anything is worth it. You will go to great lengths to save and you will do things you never thought you would do. |
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| 570 |
[Oct. 19th, 2009|12:25 pm] |
"More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse." -Doug Larson
I almost started to post this "RT @grlhatesboy" hahaha. |
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| 569 |
[Oct. 19th, 2009|10:30 am] |
after not getting paid for a month i finally received a check from life touch - however, my bank is negative so i'm trying to avoid at all costs depositing my check because i need to pay all my bills in the next two weeks and if possible with out going negative again. it's not looking too positive. no store is cashing a check that goes over $500 and my check is $536. thankfully i got a second check worth about $200 which has tied me over for now. things are just really stressful, haha.
i ate this weekend like a good little lady - however, i also gained 2.4lbs which is not ideal. so it's my night to make dinner tonight and then back to the grind this week. it's easier being at work because i'm not home alone with the kitchen mocking me and i can keep myself busy and not thinking about food for 10 hours in the day and no one will even get after me for it. i feel so rebellious.
jaime and i are working through things. since our three day fight last week we've managed to begin working through our problems and hopefully this is a new leaf; hopefully we will not be back here in a few months fighting over the same exact thing. we can hopefully open our communications and work! my goodness we need to work! |
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| 568 |
[Oct. 16th, 2009|09:07 am] |
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love is for the birds. |
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| 565 |
[Oct. 14th, 2009|03:45 pm] |
I have consumed all of my calories today, with the exception of 77 of them left - it is not even 4pm and I am assuming that I am still going to have to eat a dinner with everyone this evening. Am I worried about it? Yes and no. Yes, because I need to start being more strict with my food intake if I expect to lose any of the weight I would like to. And no because for some reason I am not feeling that anxious when I think about having dinner even though it goes over my allotted calories for the day. Nothing has really changed, nothing at all actually, I just am tired I guess. I wish I could go a day without these thoughts about myself floating through my head about what I should feel comfortable eating and what I shouldn't.
I'm pretty sure that I'm going to be able to take the exercise bike that's sitting in my Gram's basement and put it in ours so I can use that more. I have no one to take long walks with anymore now that I am working and Shanna is busy and walking alone is lonely - especially when it's as cold out as it is these days.
I don't know what to do anymore. I feel hopeless. |
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| 564 |
[Oct. 9th, 2009|10:52 am] |
Haha, Barak Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. What a joke. |
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| 563 |
[Oct. 6th, 2009|10:45 am] |
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So tomorrow I start my seven day fast. I am allowing myself coffee, teas, water, & maybe a diet coke here and there. Teas will include the following: Yogi Peach Detox tea, Yogi Fasting tea and a tea to help me sleep, I forget the name/brand right now. I will be back on track and I will feel better about everything. |
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| 562 |
[Oct. 4th, 2009|07:47 pm] |
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I am a failure and I am pretty self loathing right now. Heather was right and it will ruin everything I love if I can't figure it all out. |
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| 561 |
[Sep. 29th, 2009|07:57 pm] |
RON PAUL ON THE DAILY SHOW TONIGHT!!! |
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| 560 |
[Sep. 26th, 2009|06:55 pm] |
This is a test update from my iPhone application. |
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| 559 |
[Sep. 22nd, 2009|12:40 pm] |
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I just want to have happiness in my life every day. I don't want it to be something I am constantly struggling and working on. |
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